Title: Who I’d Be
Author: Jilly James
Fandom: 9-1-1, The Sentinel
Genre: Contemporary, Fusion, Romance
Pairing: Evan Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Rating: R
Warnings: Canon-level angst and situations. Discussions of underage sex (and negative feelings about the same). Discussions of sexual abuse (of a sort. I’m not really sure how to characterize it, but possibly triggering)
Author Note: Once again, it is my head canon that the bunkroom is upstairs off the loft. I know that doesn’t actually make much sense, but that got stuck in my head early on, so it shall be a thing forevermore.
Timeline: Takes place over the course of season 4, canon knowledge not necessary. For those who know canon, in this S&G ‘verse, the situation with Charlie was caught much earlier, thus Eddie was not in that street to be shot by a sniper.
Challenge: Q2-2023-Big Moxie Crossover/Fusion, Q2-2023-To Every Season Alternative Spring
Word Count: ~8800
Summary: Buck comes to a realization. Eddie shares something personal. Buck and Eddie realize they’re on the same page. It takes a year.

Inspired by Thank God I Do by Lauren Daigle

Who I’d Be – Buck

Eddie wasn’t sure just how long his best friend was going to lurk in his driveway, but his patience was starting to wear thin. His curiosity about the late, unannounced visit had shifted to anxiety the longer Buck paced the driveway.

Chris had gone to bed an hour ago, and the house was dark, so Eddie was easily able to go look out the window and see Buck standing in the driveway without Buck noticing that Eddie was present and aware.

These shenanigans had been going on for nearly half an hour.

Normally, Eddie would have been out the door, finding out what was going on within the first five minutes, but Buck had been had been off for a few days, and Karen—of all people—had advised him to give Buck some space. Eddie was trying to be patient, but this was absurd.

Another check at the window showed Buck now standing at the door of his Jeep, hand resting on the handle, head hanging as if in defeat.

Eddie blinked at the scene, wondering what the hell was going on.

Buck’s shoulders squared and he seemed to come to some sort of resolve as he opened the door and climbed back into his Jeep.

Oh, hell no!

Eddie slipped on his flip flips and was out the door in a blink. He pulled open the door to the Jeep just as Buck turned on the ignition, getting a startled yelp from his best friend.

“Turn that off,” Eddie snapped.

Buck stared at him in obvious shock and reflexively turned off the vehicle.

“I’ve been patient, Buck. Obviously something is going on, and I’ve been waiting for you to be ready to talk about it, but now you pace around in front of my house for half an hour like there’s a demon on your ass, and you expect me to just keep waiting? Yeah, I don’t think so. Let’s go. Get your butt inside.”

“Eds—”

“Nope! We have all our serious conversations in our kitchens. We do not have them in the driveway.” To emphasize his point, he leaned over Buck and took the keys. “Meet you inside.”

“Eddie!”

“Nope!”

Buck was about two minutes behind him, shoulders slumped as he closed the door to the kitchen.

Eddie set the keys in the middle of the table, not truly want to cut off Buck’s escape route. He softly asked, “Is this an alcohol kind of conversation?”

Buck hesitated then shook his head.

That was probably worse than if Buck had said yes. Almost every serious conversation they’d had involved at least a couple of beers. There’d been a half bottle of whiskey when the whole Daniel secret had been revealed—not to mention the reality of what Buck’s parents were like. The end result of that was two hangovers and Eddie telling Buck that nothing about the way his parents treated him was okay, not to mention how unreasonable Maddie’s bullshit lately had been.

Eddie said nothing about this being more serious than the savior sibling drama; he just put the kettle on and set out the tea selection he kept around for Abuela and Tía Pepa.

They were both quiet as Eddie got out the mugs and then poured the boiling water. Then when Buck picked the gunpowder green tea, Eddie blurted out, “Ay Dios, are you dying?”

Buck stared at him, mouth hanging open. “How did you get to that weird conclusion?”

“The last time you drank green tea on purpose was when you were starting your rehab after the bombing and they still weren’t certain you’d ever walk normally.”

“Oh my god, Eddie. I’m not dying.”

“Then what’s wrong?” Eddie asked gently. “Because something clearly has been weighing on you for days.” Eddie put his own peppermint tisane in the hot water. He was actually more sensitive to the affects of caffeine than he wanted to admit, so he tried not to consume any after two if he wanted to get any sleep.

Buck bit his lower lip then said, “When we all went out the other night… Something came up, and Karen and I talked. Afterward, she recommended that I go to the psionics center for some counseling.”

Eddie stared. Buck already had a mundane therapist. “The psionics center? Are you latent?”

After a beat, Buck nodded. “Seems unlikely that I’ll ever come online, you know? So I never seek out those types of services.”

Eddie wanted to poke at that—why Buck thought he’d never come online—but he didn’t want to derail the conversation if that wasn’t where this was going. But it was something he wanted to ask about later because Buck knew that Eddie and Christopher were both latent, and he’d never said anything about himself.

He knew the topic could be sensitive for some people, but Buck had always talked openly about anything related to sentinels and guides, and he was certified for handling both in the field on rescues, which was a rare rescue certification, so Eddie wasn’t sure why he’d never mentioned his own status.

He forced himself to set that aside and focus on the present, resolving to discuss that with Buck at a later time. “Were they able to help you?”

Buck hesitated, then nodded. He opened his mouth as if he had something to say, but nothing came out.

“Everything okay?” Eddie lifted his teabag out of the water. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“I don’t like sex,” Buck blurted out.

Eddie inadvertently dropped the tea bag back in the water, making hot water splash out on the table.

Neither of them reacted to the mini spill, starting at one another, Buck with a wince on his face, Eddie with his mouth hanging open.

When Eddie had gotten control of himself, he mopped up the water, then simply said, “I’m listening.” Eddie had had some of his own realizations about his sexuality, so he could understand how it could alter your perception of self.

Buck took a shuddery breath and curled both hands around his mug. “I’ve been sexually active, by some measure of the word, since I was fourteen.”

“That’s pretty young.” Eddie made sure to keep the blatant disapproval out of this voice. Buck would certainly take any disapproval as directed toward him, when it would be directed at whoever put their hands on him at that age not to mention his parents for not taking better care of him.

“You gotta understand… Maddie left for college when I was nine, and she rarely came home.”

Eddie frowned, not sure what Maddie going to college had to do with Buck having sex at such a young age.

“My parents were distant.”

“Yeah, Buck, I’ve met your parents.”

Buck bit the inside of his cheek. “No one ever touched me, Eddie. My parents always said I was needy, and maybe I did have more needs than most kids—I don’t know. I just know that the longer I’d go without someone hugging me, the more I’d feel like I was going to rattle out of my skin.”

Something about that description struck a memory chord, but Eddie couldn’t figure out why.

“And then this boy who lived down the street—he was about two years older—was interested in fooling around. That it was sex didn’t even matter to me; someone was finally touching me. Looking back on it now, all I can see is how frantically skin hungry I was, and how he must have thought I was just so desperate for whatever it was he had to offer.”

Eddie stared down at his mug, not wanting to interject with his emotions.

“I’m sorry,” Buck finally said. “This is obviously upsetting you—”

“Not for whatever reason you’ve cooked up in your head, Evan, so please stop.” Eddie met Buck’s gaze. “If I could travel back in time, I’d take a baseball bat to your parents for terminal child neglect and then give you as many hugs as you wanted. It’s infuriating to me that you had to resort to sex at fourteen because no one would hug you. Please keep going; I want to hear whatever you need to say, but I can’t help that I’m infuriated on your behalf.”

Buck’s expression softened, some of the anxiety melting away. “Yeah, okay.” He took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “To summarize a lot of conversations with the psionically skilled psychologist, in the course of my life, I’ve learned to seek out sexual partners when I’m not getting enough physical affection. I guess I’m pretty tactile by nature.”

“You are,” Eddie confirmed. “And it’s not a problem as far as I’m concerned. Never has been.”

Buck’s smile was faint, but it was there. “I try to hold myself back, you know? I just want to cling to people sometimes—particularly people I trust. But I make myself stop. Then I start to get jittery and feeling like nothing’s settled, and I seek out a new sex partner.”

The context for the sense of familiarity slotted into place in his memory. He’d seen Buck in that hyper state several times. “That’s what was up with you Saturday at the bar—when we all went out. You went to talk to the blonde…?”

Buck nodded. “I’d made some comment about finding her sexually attractive or something. Karen pulled me aside for a conversation and asked me if I really found that woman sexually attractive because she didn’t sense attraction coming from me. At all. In fact, she said she never had. It was a little like being exposed, but I was also confused because I’d assumed that was sexual attraction.

“So, Karen suggested I talk to someone at the center. To make a really long story, and a lot of conversations, short, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced true sexual attraction the way it was described to me. I can say someone is objectively attractive, but that’s about it.”

Eddie was trying to take all that in. “Do you enjoy the sexual experience? Specifically, I mean orgasm.”

Buck made a so-so motion then went back to holding his mug. “I like orgasms just fine, but one of the things I had to work through with Dr. Leto was that I’m not particularly interested in someone else’s hands on me—in that way.” He cleared his throat. “I don’t want anyone’s hands on my dick.”

“Ah.”

“During our session this afternoon, I came to the blinding certainty that if I could be guaranteed the physical contact I need that I’d never have sex again.” Buck hesitated and his eyes got glassy. He looked away, blinking rapidly. “In fact, I’m pretty sure I’d have never had sex with anyone to begin with.”

Eddie was going to definitely work out time travel so he could relive his street fighting days on the elder Buckleys. “So, you’re asexual.”

Buck was quiet for a long time then he gave a short, barely there nod.

“Thank you for telling me, Evan.” Eddie abandoned his own unconsumed tea and reached out, taking both of Buck’s hands. “And I’m so sorry that you’ve ever had to…” he struggled for a second to find the words, “put yourself through physical intimacy that you didn’t desire in order to get some simple human contact. You deserve so much better than that.”

Buck turned his hands in Eddie’s grip so he could hold on, dropping his head to rest against their joined hands. A soft broken sound escaped his throat. “Eddie… I hate feeling this way.”

“I don’t even know how to parse what might be going through your head, and how hard this must have been to work through. I have to hope the realization is the hardest part, but whatever you’re going through, it’s okay to feel it. And I promise I’ll be with you on this, okay?”

“Does this ever get better?”

“It has to, right? I can only imagine how it must feel to realize you’ve given people access to your body when you never really wanted it. It’s got to be knocking you back. However long it takes to deal with it, then that’s how long it takes. Your family’s not going anywhere, okay?”

“Promise?” Buck so rarely asked for reassurances, as if he’d been trained out of them, but Eddie knew that he’d been feeling in desperate need of them since the elder Buckleys had left.

“You have my word.” He got to his feet and pulled Buck to his feet. “Come on, let’s go to bed. Chris will be thrilled to see you in the morning.”

Buck nodded and managed a faint smile.

After they’d cleaned up and turned off the lights, Buck was startled when Eddie pulled him to the master bedroom rather than getting the spare linens for the couch. “What are we doing?”

“Offering to share physical space. We’ve shared a bed before—during the whole of the panini. I slept pretty good.”

“Yeah, me too,” Buck said softly—he’d always been more settled those mornings, and now Eddie had a hunch that he knew why.

“It’s up to you, Buck. The right side of the bed is yours if you want it. Otherwise, you know where the spare linens are. There’s no pressure either way, but know that I’d prefer it if you were right here with me.”

Buck still seemed a little undecided.

Eddie pointed to the bottom drawer of the dresser. “Your clothes are in there. Take whichever sleeping spot you want.”

Ten minutes later, Eddie was relieved when Buck crawled into bed with him. He really did sleep well with Buck around.

Eddie opened his arms to Buck. “This would be for me too because I’m really struggling with how much I want to fly to Pennsylvania and sock your parents in the jaw.”

Buck made a broken sound that seemed half laugh, half sob then almost collapsed into Eddie holding on tight. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Eddie rubbed his hands in soothing circles on Buck’s back. “Being decent?”

“For being you.”

Who I’d Be – Eddie

It was normal for Buck to come home with him after shift. They’d developed a routine that was closer to living together than not, though they didn’t call it that, nor did they discuss it in any overt way. Eddie knew the day for that discussion was coming, but they’d needed some time to let things settle.

Eddie repacked his work bag then set it in its designated spot while Buck puttered around the kitchen. Eddie gravitated toward being at home most of the time because he preferred the company of his son and Buck, but Buck was a true homebody. It wasn’t a trait most people would expect from him, but then Eddie had learned that Buck was no more exempt from being judged by outward appearances than anyone else.

It had been a busy shift, but he’d gotten a couple of hours of sleep, and he’d prefer not to nap if he could help it. Still, he anticipated a quiet, low-energy day as a result, so he settled in on the couch with his Kindle and a new cup of coffee.

Buck joined him about twenty minutes later, laying on the sofa with his head in Eddie’s lap.

Eddie’s hand settled in Buck’s hair.

Buck immediately sighed and relaxed. “You’ll make me fall asleep.”

“You won’t sleep for too long.”

“I put that slow cooker baked ziti on. It’ll be ready in about four hours for late lunch.”

“You spoil us rotten on the food front.”

Around a yawn, Buck replied, “Deserve it.”

Eddie kept reading the newspaper he’d downloaded while scratching his fingers through Buck’s hair.

After their late-night conversation about Buck’s realization regarding his own sexual identity, Eddie had made a conscious effort to be more forthright in offering affection. Buck, however, had been reluctant to accept at first. At least, until Eddie had explained that Buck was one of the few people Eddie was always willing to be in physical contact with, he’d just never been the type to overtly offer that sort of thing.

There had been hesitance, but then Buck had relaxed into accepting and asking for the physical contact he wanted and needed.

Eddie had started to think it was a good thing for him too. He’d become too self-contained. He was never as demonstrative as others in his family, but he’d started physically isolating himself after he returned from Afghanistan. Something inside of him was starting to relax the more he practiced giving overt demonstrations of love and affection to the people he cared about.

“Can I ask you a question?” Buck asked after a while, when Eddie thought he’d fallen asleep.

“Yeah, of course.”

“I mean, you might not want to answer, and of course that’s fine.”

Eddie gave a little reproving tug on Buck’s hair. “Just ask the question.”

“We talked about me… You know, how I am with relationships and sex. We’ve never really had that conversation about you. I realized I’ve made a lot of assumptions…”

“Ah.”

“You don’t have to answer, Eds. I wasn’t trying to—”

“It’s fine, Buck. I don’t mind talking about it.” Whether Buck knew it or not, they were skirting the edges of a whole different conversation. “The simple answer is that I’m demisexual.” Even though he could only see Buck’s face in profile, he could tell Buck was frowning.

Buck slowly sat up, sitting sideways on the couch so he could face Eddie. “What’s the not simple answer? Because there was something weird in your tone.”

“I…” Eddie blew out a breath. “I’m a latent guide, you already know that.”

Buck nodded.

“Some latent guides have some minor empathic abilities.”

“I’ve heard about that. They used to think it was an indicator of some sort of inevitability toward online status, but that never bore out in any long-term studies, anymore than latent sentinels with a single heightened sense were more likely to come online.”

“It’s not much; it never is for people like me. Most people aren’t even aware of their minor empathic gift.” Eddie tried to figure out how to put it into words. “I know for certain that I don’t experience sexual desire unless I’m in love with someone, but I’d have characterized where I fall on the scale of interest in having sex to be fairly low in general, but also something of a mirror of my partner’s.”

Buck blinked then he flinched back. “Were you picking up your sexual interest from your partners empathetically and mirroring it?”

“Not…exactly. But also…yes?”

“That’s really confusing.”

“I’d say even with someone I care about, my sexual interest is fairly low. But I can easily mesh well with someone who also has a lower sex drive and be happy with our sex life. Their sexual enjoyment may push my own. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing as long as they aren’t projecting their sexual interest in a way that could be seen as a deliberate manipulation.”

“Has that happened?” Buck asked carefully.

“Shannon.” Eddie wasn’t even sure how to explain the situation. “My relationship with her initially was hypersexual in a way I’ver never experienced before. I hadn’t realized it was a problem or how off it was until she came back into my life at a time when I was pretty furious with her. For no reason whatsoever, I suddenly wanted to fall into bed with her.”

“That was when you needed her to go to the school with you, right?”

“Yes. You’ll recall that I filed for divorce shortly thereafter? Well, the Foundation got involved because Shannon is also a latent guide with a similar empathy disorder, but she projects her wants and needs very strongly. It’s generally considered manipulative and not empathic abuse as she’s latent and not really strong enough to influence people…”

“Except another person in a similar situation who, because they’re not online, can’t shield from that influence.”

“Right. I didn’t know how to talk about it, so I never said anything. To be fair, she didn’t realize what she was doing was affecting me in that way because she and I had never discussed that I naturally have a fairly low sex drive or that I have a minor empathy disorder. Regardless, the Foundation facilitated our divorce along with a restraining order.”

Eddie reached out to take Buck’s hand. “I don’t want you to think anything about me not telling you, okay? When this all started, you and I were becoming friends, and I trusted you more than most people in my life, but I did not know how to talk about it. By the time we were close enough to have that conversation, she was dead, Buck. It just didn’t seem like it mattered anymore.”

“Of course it mattered, Eddie.” Buck squeezed his hand. “You never have to talk about it, but I think it’s been hurting you—”

“I’m fine—”

“You haven’t dated since Shannon,” Buck said with a pointed look. “It’s been nearly two years.”

Eddie opened his mouth and then snapped it closed. He’d almost said that he and Buck practically were dating, but he didn’t think they were quite ready for another difficult conversation.

“I worry,” Eddie finally admitted. “I know myself, and I’m comfortable with who I am, but I don’t want to be in a situation like that ever again. I have a long list of questions I’d have to ask a prospective romantic partner to ensure such a situation could never occur and, honestly, I just haven’t felt like dealing with it.”

Buck seemed unsettled. “It feels like you’re giving up. Maybe you’ll find someone who’s perfectly compatible with you.”

“Perfect compatibility is a myth,” Eddie replied quickly. “It’s always work, Buck. There’s always compromise and communication required. Shortcutting those things leads to disaster. I should have always questioned why my sexual response to Shannon were outside my norm. I should have talked to her before there was hostility and anger.” He shook his head. “Trust me…disaster.”

Buck frowned. “So, you’re saying people might compromise and have sex when they don’t want to.”

“Absolutely not,” Eddie said firmly. “That’s a hard limit, Evan, and don’t ever let anyone convince you that’s a point of compromise. You should never feel obligated to have sex in your relationship. Compromise is maybe about which side of the bed someone sleeps on. Hard limits aren’t a point of negotiation.”

“So, what would you need to compromise and communicate with someone about?”

Eddie huffed internally, once again furious at the Buckleys. For all of Buck’s sexual and even relationship experience, in a lot of ways, this was new to him. Even after several months, he was struggling to decouple sex from relationships. He’d been clear to Eddie that he was still romantically inclined, just not sexually interested, and he wasn’t sure how to make relationships work anymore.

Eddie finally decided to make a tentative step forward, hopefully give Buck something to think about. “Okay, so let’s say I was to embark on a relationship with someone who had little to no interest in sex.”

Buck blinked a few times, but eventually nodded.

“I’d probably have some sexual attraction toward them, but sexual attraction is pretty muted for me, so it wouldn’t be a big deal. Still, for me, sexual feelings follow romantic feelings, so I’d at some point be interested in seeking sexual gratification. I’d need to work out with my partner the degree to which they’d want to be involved in that.”

“Meaning?”

Eddie decided to go for blunt, feeling really grateful that the psionics center had mandated so many therapy sessions for him after the debacle with Shannon. It gave him a better frame of reference and a better vocabulary for talking through the issue. “Would they want to be in the room when I masturbated? Would they want to participate? Are they fine with sexual touching but just don’t like sexual penetration? Are they fine with it if it’s someone else but not themselves? Do they like kissing and petting but not genital contact? There’s a huge spectrum between all or nothing.

“Communication is about establishing where our firm boundaries are and then what we want to explore within the space between. In the scenario I described where I’m in love with someone who has less sexual interest than myself, I’d probably accede to their wishes when it came to my own body in regards to sex. If they wanted to be present or participate when I’m masturbating, I’d enjoy that. If they’d prefer to leave the room, that’d be fine too.”

Buck’s cheeks turned a bit pink. “But if it’s about compromise and preferences, which would you prefer?”

“I’m more interested in intimacy than the sex act itself, to be honest, so if I were feeling the need to seek gratification, still feeling connected to my partner during would be nice. Not connected sexually, but emotionally. Being held during or after would probably be ideal. Kissing would be nice.”

“Oh. I’d never considered something like that.”

“And if my partner found they didn’t want to be present at all, that’d be perfectly fine. They could join me afterward.” Eddie considered for a second. “It would likely be a point of incompatibility if they were so sex-repulsed that they treated my sexual urges as disgusting; I think it would feel like a personal rejection. But I’d hope I’ve gotten better at communication and would have figured that out long before we were negotiating how to handle masturbation within a asexual romantic relationship.”

Buck nodded slowly. “I can see that. If someone treated your desires like they were dirty or something you shouldn’t discuss with them, it’d start to feel sordid or tawdry.”

Eddie smiled faintly. “Good vocabulary words.”

Buck rolled his eyes. “Ass.” He shoved Eddie’s shoulder. “Seriously, I get what you mean. I guess in my head, I thought now that I’ve figured myself out, it’d make things simpler, but it really isn’t simple at all.”

“Relationships aren’t simple, but they shouldn’t be harmful, Buck.” Eddie kept his tone gentle. “I think knowing where you stand just means you can properly fulfill your side of the communication bargain.”

Like usual of late when anything related to sex or relationships came up, Buck looked like he was processing at a deeper level than Eddie could hope to grasp. There were factors with Buck’s background and sexual history that meant he was going through an identity crisis.

“I can’t begin to understand the journey you’ve undertaken, Evan. Be patient with yourself.”

“But you had the same kind of relationship problems.”

“Eh. It’s not the same,” Eddie chided gently. “I always understood myself. I always knew where I fit in terms of my sexual self and how that would work in a relationship. At least, I did until Shannon and I started sleeping together. That was more short-lived than you’d think. Once I was deployed, sex was infrequent, and sometimes didn’t happen at all on my leaves if she was pissed with me. So, I wasn’t aware of this issue until she came back into, wanting to be in our lives, projecting a strong need for sex and sexual connection.”

“Isn’t that like sexual abuse, though?” Buck asked tentatively.

Eddie internally flinched, but he’d heard it from the center counselors before, so the descriptor wasn’t truly new. “After a fashion, I suppose. It helps that it wasn’t her intent. The only upside of it was that the Foundation required counseling, which I think helped me move past it. Especially after she died, and I started feeling all that guilt for rejecting her.” Eddie held up a hand before Buck could get going with the indignation. “I know I wasn’t obligated to let her back into my life; it probably would have been detrimental to my own mental health, but inappropriate guilt is the guilt I’m best at. I’m a work in progress over here.”

Buck’s whole demeanor shifted to something warm and accepting. “You’re doing great, Eds. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.”

“Thanks.” He could tell Buck sincerely meant that, which touched something in him. “Anyway, going through an identity crisis that was fueled by years of neglect and emotional abuse—and let’s not pretend that this wasn’t kicked off in part by your parents finally deciding to make an appearance in Maddie’s life and telling you about Daniel.”

Buck winced.

“That kind of crisis is not the same as sexual abuse.” He could barely say the words, but he was trying to stay blunt and specific. “I’m not trying to do comparative pain here, okay? There really is no way to compare; it’s entirely different experiences. You may have a longer, more self-reflective journey while you learn about yourself and reconcile your past. Mine was more sharp, short, and in my face. Believe me, the interventional specialists and counselors are aggressive about dealing with these types of problems once they’re identified.”

“Can I ask what they decided to do about Shannon?”

“The Guide Adjudicator’s actually ruled on it, and said she had to learn to shield her empathic presence and keep it on lock. It was intentional, but she was grossly manipulative empathically. Online guides could shield away that influence with no problem, but mildly empathic people who hadn’t been trained or didn’t have shields naturally were vulnerable.” He sighed. “She got stubborn and refused to learn how to moderate her empathic presence.”

He hated what had happened, and it had taken him a long time to reconcile that none of it was his fault. “She refused to learn. The adjudicator then ruled that she had to come in to have empathic buffers placed on her and refreshed weekly since she wouldn’t cooperate. She kept missing sessions. In the meantime, there was a restraining order not allowing her around me or Christopher. She could only see Christopher with supervision at the psionics center with someone to shield her since Chris is latent, too.

“She got more and more combative about it. Got a mundane attorney to try to fight their ruling. Since all parties were latent and she had a sanction on her now, they had no grounds since jurisdiction for these matters lies with the Guide Adjudicators. But they still brought in a federal Guide Adjudicator.”

Buck whistled lowly.

Federal adjudicators were at the same level as the circuit courts but for sentinel and guide matters. Eddie was never sure what they saw in Shannon’s psionic scans that made them go so nuclear on the situation, and they hadn’t been willing to tell him.

“Shannon tried to fight the adjudicator, kept arguing that they had no right to put any restraints on her. That they couldn’t tether her to the center for weekly psionic bondage like she was some kind of criminal.”

Eddie bit his lip, hating how everything had gone down.

“You don’t have to talk about this, Eds…”

“Honestly, it’s good to get it out. I feel like I should have told you a long time ago.” Eddie took a deep breath. “They brought in a shaman for an evaluation. After conferring with the shaman, the adjudicator’s ruling was that her connection to the psionic plane would be blocked.”

Buck sucked in breath. “They forced her dormant?”

“Yeah. She was cavalier about it. Actually said why the fuck should she care, or something like that. At least, at first. They performed the block and told her that despite being now considered dormant that the Foundation would still support her if she needed them. She basically double birded everyone on her way out the door, demanding that her access to Christopher be restored.

“That was denied. Christopher was still under the jurisdiction of the Guide Adjudicator’s protective order, and she wasn’t budging until Shannon had a clean bill of health on the psychiatric front.” Eddie shook his head. “That never happened. I know this sounds like a lot, but most of this happened from a distance. I heard about it, but wasn’t a witness to most of it.

“And then she started to get depressed because of the lack of connection to the psionic plane. She’d asked to meet with me the night before she died. We met with permission from the adjudicator on center grounds, with a sentinel nearby to supervise, to talk about the situation. I asked her to get help for Christopher’s sake if she couldn’t yet do it for herself. That he wanted his mother back but that she wasn’t in the right place to be there for him. She’d said she’d think about. Dios, Buck, it was so obvious that she was depressed, that she’d had no idea what having even her latent connection to the psionic plane severed would do to her.”

He blew out a breath. “It’s recoverable with treatment, I know people do it all the time, but she just wouldn’t. And then she died in some random car accident the next day. I found a letter in her purse to Chris that she was leaving. Maybe she planned to get help elsewhere, but she certainly wasn’t going to do it at the time or for him.”

Buck’s eyes were glassy with tears. “I’m so sorry, Eds. I feel like I wasn’t a very good friend.”

“But you were. I don’t know what I’d have done with you. You knew I was going through a divorce, and you’d come over and hang out with my kid, making him feel special and important when I was so down I could barely lift my head. You’d make dinner for us, trying out whatever recipe Bobby had taught you. We felt less alone because you were our friend. No, I didn’t give you all the specifics, but you still gave me all the support I needed. I never really felt the need to retroactively tell you the truth about Shannon and everything that had happened with her.”

Buck nodded. “For whatever it’s worth, I’m so sorry. I know there were no good solutions. It’s really easy for me to see her as the villain, but I respect that you have a more nuanced view of her and what she went through.”

Eddie gave a brief nod, appreciating that Buck wasn’t going to try to make him change his views on his ex-wife.

“I just wish I could have done more.”

“Hey, you already did exactly what we needed. You still give us exactly what we need.” He reached out and pulled Buck into a hug, which Buck surrendered to immediately, practically melting into Eddie. “Never feel like you’re not enough. You’re perfect just the way you are.”

“Even if I don’t know exactly what that is yet?”

“Yeah, Buck. Even though.”

“Thanks, Eddie.”

Who I’d Be – Buck & Eddie

Eddie jogged up the stairs to the loft after finishing his evening chores. They were running late on everything as their last call had run hours long and dinner had been exceptionally late.

Buck was handling the kitchen cleanup and then they would hopefully have a few hours of downtime. Or maybe no callouts at all. A call-free night was rare but always appreciated after a day like today.

Bobby was lurking around the kitchen area as well, talking softly to Buck, then finally moving into sling his arm around Buck’s shoulders. Buck leaned into the hug.

With Eddie’s encouragement, Buck had confided in Bobby about his self-realizations last fall. Bobby and Athena had stepped firmly into the parental role, almost militantly between Buck and the elder Buckleys. It mystified Maddie, but she also had finally seemed to understand that Buck had a found family now that cared for him in ways his biological family never had.

Buck still had Maddie on a bit of a pedestal, but Eddie personally thought she’d done the bare minimum and didn’t deserve such lofty regard. Buck gave her a lot of credit for basically being a decent older sister for the first 9 years of his life. Though compared to what he’d put up with from his parents, Eddie could understand why Maddie seemed like such a star.

After being a tolerant, semi-affectionate older sibling, she was barely around until she ghosted him entirely. Then she swanned back into his life like they were best friends and started telling him all about himself and what he should do with his life. Eddie thought it was bizarre, but he could also understand Buck’s attachment.

What Maddie couldn’t seem to wrap her head around was that the more Buck built healthy attachments, the more he was looking with a critical eye toward the unhealthy ones. Of which, Maddie herself was one. To be fair, the siblings were working on their issues, and for Buck’s sake, Eddie hoped they sorted everything out. Though Buck hadn’t chosen to confide in Maddie about being Ace, and he sure hadn’t told Chim.

He’d actually come damn close to have a freakout at the prospect of telling Chim, which had alarmed Bobby to a degree that Bobby was doing a better job of paying attention to what was going on at the station. It was putting them all through a bit of growing pains—even if they didn’t know the cause—but Eddie was convinced it would ultimately be good for them.

Eddie sprawled out on the couch, letting the tension of work bleed away as he continued to watch Buck and Bobby in the kitchen.

Bobby had moved back to his stool, talking softly with Buck while Buck finished cleaning. Buck was smiling, obviously happy.

Buck had been happy a lot lately. Bobby and Athena seemed to be on a mission to make up for some of the lack of affection in Buck’s childhood. And though no one else knew, some people were subtly changing their behavior in response to what they saw. The kids—all the kids—were always affectionate with Buck, but the most noticeable was that May was more overtly in Buck’s physical space. Hen had also become more tactile. Karen was the only other person of the 118 family who knew what had been going on with Buck—being the one who sent Buck to the center for counseling—but she was keeping it to herself and letting Buck come into his own to reveal it in his own time.

If he ever chose to do so. Eddie was the one to point out to Buck that it wasn’t anyone’s business, and Buck should only tell people if he wanted to. It wasn’t a requirement that he tell everyone or put it in his profiles on his socials. He knew Buck had joined some online groups to talk about his experiences, and that also seemed to be helping—to know he wasn’t the only one who had walked this path.

Eddie was just glad Buck was happy. He realized that was really all he’d ever wanted, and it hit him that he was well and truly sunk when it came to Evan Buckley. He blew out a breath and tried to settle himself a little.

They’d been walking a slow, meandering path toward this conversation for a while, and maybe it was close to time to just have it. Eddie was at the point in his own journey where he could say with near certainty that even if Buck didn’t reciprocate his feelings that their friendship would survive. It might look a little different for a while, but they’d be okay in the long run.

Because of all the things he was sure of in life, he was most sure of his love for his son, and that it was in Evan Buckley’s nature to be loving. He knew Buck loved like Buck breathed—knew it like he knew his own name. He just didn’t know the exact shape of that love when it came to Eddie.

And if it wasn’t what Eddie hoped for, well, he felt lucky that Buck would still love him at the end of it all.

Athena said, “Buck’s gonna Buck,” which, to her, meant he never gives up. But, to Eddie, “Buck’s gonna Buck” meant that Buck was going to love. Because to love was essential to Buck’s nature.

Bobby drifted over toward the lounge area and gave Eddie a questioning look. “You headed for bed?”

“Not yet. I’m going to wind down a little more so I can hopefully fall asleep when the time comes. If I go in there now, I’ll just lie there and stare at the ceiling.”

“I’m going to go do some paperwork before I rack out. If you’re bored…?”

“I am never that bored,” Eddie replied with a grin. “Also, the only person who finds paperwork relaxing is Buck. I find it annoying, so it will not help me be ready for bed.”

Bobby laughed and waved as he headed down the stairs. “If Chim surfaces from the bunkroom, send him down. It’s his actual job to help me if he want to stay second-in-command.”

“Gotcha.”

Buck finished up the last of his chores in the kitchen, bringing over a couple of glasses of water before flopping down next to Eddie. “Why does this shift feel like it’s dragging on?”

“Because we’ve only had a couple of calls and the last one was atrociously long?”

Buck’s nose scrunched up. “Fair.”

Eddie nudged Buck. “I can feel the tension you’ve got pouring off of you. You’re always like this when you’ve been on a long rope rescue.” They’d had several live, uninjured people to rescue after dealing with injuries, and it’d taken a lot of time to get them all, and Buck had been in a harness the whole time. He was undoubtably one of the best in the LAFD for rope rescue, but he had this weird energy that he had a hard time letting go of after a long rescue.

Buck just nodded an acknowledgment.

“Need to play games or something?”

Turning in the seat so he was curled up sideways facing Eddie, Buck shook his head. “Nah. Just talk to me. I’m winding down, so I’d rather talk it out.”

“Talk about the rescue or just talk?”

“Not about the rescue; we were both there, we know what happened.” He blew out a breath. “Just talk.”

“Okay, ask a question.” Eddie said with a smile.

“Anything?”

“I guess. I can’t imagine what I wouldn’t talk to you about, though there might some things I don’t wan to talk about here, despite the fact that no one is around at the moment.”

“Fair.” Buck looked thoughtful for a second. “Did you ever want to come online?”

Eddie blinked. It was weird how they never really talked about this. They often talked around it, but never directly. Seemed like the really sensitive things were like that with them. They’d touch the edges like they were handling a hot pan, and then never come back to it. However, with regard to the the other sensitive subject, Eddie was pretty sure they were on the same page. With this one, Eddie wasn’t sure what the same page would even look like.

“I don’t know… I always figured it’d happen or it wouldn’t. I think I always knew I wouldn’t want to be a military guide. That was my chosen profession for a long time, and it made for a disconnect in my own mind that if I ever came online that I’d probably leave the military over it.”

“I thought the military treated its guides well.”

“They do, but mostly because they value sentinels so highly.”

Buck’s nose scrunched up. “Oh. That’s kind of gross.”

“It’s a subtle and outdated mindset.” He blew out a breath and admitted the other half of it. “There’s also this thing where when I admit I’m latent, people always assume I’m a latent sentinel, and I always felt weird correcting them that I’m a latent guide. And they’d look at me strangely, as if I were insufficient to be a guide or something.”

Buck made a face. “Yeah, I get that. Not the you being inadequate thing—because I think you’d be an amazing guide. But people react the same way to my status. It’s weird.”

“People think it’s strange that you’re a latent guide?”

Buck blinked a few times in obvious surprise. “Eddie, I’m a latent sentinel.”

Eddie’s brain blanked out. “What?”

Buck huffed a laugh. “It’s that reaction right there.”

“No.” Eddie closed his eyes and recentered himself. “Buck, you’d be an amazing sentinel or guide. You just surprised me because you sort of embody so many guide traits; it’s not that I think you’d be a bad sentinel. Wow. I had no idea…” Eddie hesitated. “How come you never said?”

Buck shrugged, then glanced over Eddie’s shoulder toward the stairs, tipping his chin up and smiling. “Hey, Jones.”

Jones waved distractedly at them both as he went into the kitchen for something to drink then meandered into the bunkrooms.

Buck looked back to Eddie. “I wanted it too badly, you know? When I was kid and got my first blood tests for school that said I was fully latent and not just a potential, I wanted so badly to be a sentinel. I wanted to come online and be part of a pride and help protect the tribe.” Buck gave Eddie a bittersweet smile. “But it’s rare for sentinels and guides to come online who aren’t very settled in their sense of self, and we both know that I wasn’t. The reason I longed to come online was to make up for the deficiencies in my family life. That’s not really a calling, is it?”

“I guess not, but look at where you are now… You’re protecting the tribe. Of all of us, you’re the one who said this is what you’re meant to do. Maybe the psionic plane has been pulling you in a specific direction.”

“Maybe.” Buck shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. I’m happy with my life and who’s in it.”

“Mm.” Eddie reached out and cupped Buck’s jaw. He couldn’t stop himself from touching, and Buck always leaned into it, especially when the touch was from Eddie. “I’m pretty happy with who’s in my life too.”

Buck scooched a little closer, and Eddie let his hand drift to rest on the join of shoulder and neck, his thumb rubbing over Buck’s collarbone. “I always wanted to pursue the guardian path, you know?”

“That does not surprise me in the slightest,” Eddie murmured, focused on the curl of hair that had escaped from Buck’s gel and was resting right above his birthmark. “Sentinel guardians aren’t that common.”

“I know, but it always felt like the right path for me if I ever had the opportunity.”

“The way you explained the difference between the paths to Christopher was beautiful.” Walking the path for any sentinel or guide was a choice; it was about dedication to your gifts as a sentinel or guide and your duty to the tribe. It was a decision that was deeply personal and could never be forced. Most chose not to walk any path and just serve within the limits of their basic duty to pride and tribe.

There were positions that were chosen by power level, such as alpha, and primes were part of governance. The only path that had a requirement beyond desire and hard work was that of the shaman; only certain guides could walk the shamanic path.

“How did it go again? The three paths, I mean, not the shamanic one.” Eddie closed his eyes and listened.

“The guardian faces the tribe with arms wide open and says, ‘I will shelter you.’ The defender places their back to the tribe and says, ‘I will protect you from all foes who mean you harm.’ The watchman leaves, and says, ‘I keep watch from afar to ensure your safety and prosperity.’”

“It’s beautiful, honestly.” Eddie let his thumb rest on Buck’s pulse point. “Whether you ever come online or not, I think you’ve already walked that path, Buck. You’ve put your life in the service of the tribe with arms wide open.”

“Maybe.” Buck flushed and looked down. “What about you?”

“I don’t see myself walking any of the paths if I should come online.” Eddie smiled a little sadly. “Maybe the tribe has already taken a little too much, but if I came online, I think I’d be the kind of guide who was very focused on my sentinel.” Eddie took a breath and took a chance. “But I’m okay with not ever coming online because the only sentinel I’d ever want is you.”

“Eddie,” Buck breathed, looking at him like he’d just handed him the world. “What if I never—”

“You think that matters to me?”

Buck gave a watery laugh.

“You have to know I love you.”

Buck hesitated, then nodded.

“Are you paying attention enough to know I’m in love with you?”

Buck’s eyes widened. “Oh.” Then his expression softened. “Eds…”

“Whatever we are, whatever that looks like, let’s do it together, okay?”

“Yeah.” Buck scooched a little closer until his knees were digging into Eddie’s leg. “I love you so much. Thank you for waiting.”

“I’d wait for you as long as you needed me to.”

Buck leaned in until their foreheads were pressed together. “I can’t believe we’re doing this here.”

“Like all things with us, I guess it happens when it happens.” He curled his hands around Buck’s wrists, holding their hands to his own heart.

His awareness of Buck seemed to expand, and the world seemed to go a little fuzzy around the edges. Being close was like slipping into deep, warm water. Soothing and comforting, pulling him deeper and deeper into Buck.

He felt Buck in every part of his heart and soul, and knew this is what love felt like.

“I can hear your heart,” Buck whispered, his breath ghosting over Eddie’s cheek.

“I feel yours.”

Buck kept inching closer like he was trying to crawl inside. He wound up with his legs over Eddie’s lap and his hands framing Eddie’s face, fingertips teasing at sensitive skin.

They stared at each other and just breathed as the bond settled into every part of their being.

Somehow they’d bonded without even trying, without even being aware of being online.

They couldn’t move or respond while the bond settling occurred. The psionic plane whispered to Eddie, calling him, whispering shaman in the back of his mind. He put that aside for now, focusing on the future guardian in front of him.

Eddie had no idea how long the bond settling took, only that everyone felt the psionic wave. People had tried to talk to them, center reps had arrived, but a white tiger and large black jaguar kept everyone back while Eddie and Buck adjusted to their new bond.

Eddie had always heard the only requirements for achieving a stable sentinel and guide bond were trust and intimacy. He pressed a kiss to Buck’s birthmark and wondered how they’d managed to not accidentally bond long before now.

Wherever their journey as sentinel and guide took them, he knew they were safe with one another, and that was all he could ask for.

The End

…
It’s been a hard year
So many nights in tears
All of the darkness
Trying to fight my fears
Alone, so long alone

I don’t know who I’d be if I didn’t know you
I’d probably fall off the edge
I don’t know where I’d go if you ever let go
So keep me held in your hands
…

— From Thank God I Do by Lauren Daigle