Famous Last Words

Title: Famous Last Words
Author: Jilly James
Fandom: Harry Potter, NCIS
Characters: Harry Potter, Tony DiNozzo, Zale Wright
Pairing: Tony/Zale (more off-screen than not)
Genre: Crack
Prompt: Sword
Word Count: 995
Warnings: Character deaths different from how those deaths happened in canon, some violence and gross imagery. No beta. Decapitation. Because SWORDS.
Author Note: You could sorta, maybe, if you want to connect this to Pink, my other HP/NCIS short. I’ve borrowed Zale from Keira for this story too, except he’s on screen this time.
Summary: It seemed like a good idea at the time…

– – – –

SCIF – Sensitive Compartmentalized Information Facility.

– – – –

It had seemed like a good idea at the time.

Harry’s life summed up in one sentence.

Dad always said, “You’re a teenaged boy, which means you have an extra allotment of stupid decisions.” As he faced Voldemort, he figured he’d used up his allowance of stupid for the rest of his life.

His adopted fathers had never hidden the situation in Britain from Harry, but they had been determined that Harry wouldn’t be involved. But even though his parents had plans, they still made sure Harry trained. Hard. So that if Voldemort came for him, he’d be prepared.

Harry had never expected that day to come so soon.

He’d carried the burden of knowing Voldemort was alive for over two years while he was safe in Virginia. He’d known Dad and Zale were working the problem, but when Dumbledore had somehow found him, shown up within their wards saying that Voldemort had kidnapped his father… Well, Harry got stupid.

There’d been no answer when he’d called, and Dad always answered. He’d tried using his communication mirror to reach Zale. Nothing. He’d panicked and gone with Dumbledore.

Now he was facing off against the sorta-man who’d killed his biological parents. Who wanted nothing more than to kill Harry because of some muttered words that might not even be about him.

He wasn’t ready. For all that he’d trained and had dozens of spells rattling around in his head, he knew he wasn’t prepared.

“Any last words, Harry Potter?” Voldemort near-hissed as he brandished his wand at Harry. His Death Eaters laughed as if that were comic gold.

Harry was almost more annoyed by the bad repartee he’d been forced to endure than his shitty choice to go with the old goat—who was a big old lying liar who lied! Because Sortamort did not have Dad. Mr. high and mighty Albus Fucksagoat was trying to force this confrontation secure in the belief that somehow Harry would win. With the power the dark lord knows not.

The problem was that Harry didn’t know either!

Having no interest in further witless banter with Lizardlips, he figured he’d try the most aggressive parselmagic spell he knew and then hope.

He’d just opened his mouth to hiss the spell when he noticed a faint shimmer next to Sortamort. A second later, an invisibility cloak fell away. Harry had barely registered his father standing there—his squib father—when Sortamort’s head went flying.

It took Harry a beat to register that Dad had a fucking sword.

Death Eaters raised their wands and Harry shook off his shock, preparing to come to his father’s defense, when they started to drop, heads snapping back before crumpling to the ground.

It took Harry embarrassingly long to realize the Munchers were being killed by a sniper. “Uncle Jethro,” he breathed, looking around, trying to see where his father’s old mentor was, but all he saw was grass and trees.

In the next instant, Harry felt himself surrounded by a powerful shield. He knew the feel of his other father’s magic and wasn’t frightened or surprised when Zale popped in front of him and began firing off spells toward the Death Eaters.

Suddenly, the surviving VoldieMinions apparated away, and Harry found himself pulled into a fierce hug.

“You scared me to death, Harry!” Zale whispered against his hair.

“Dumbledore said Sortamort had Dad!” Harry countered, trying to peer around Zale to find his father. “I couldn’t find either of you.”

“We were set up. There was a dampening field around me and, by the time I got out, you were gone and your idiot father had left the U.S. with Gibbs and Fornell. I’ve been tracking him as he was tracking you.”

Harry finally got eyes on his father. “What is Dad doing?”

Zale turned, keeping one arm around Harry’s shoulders. They both stared for several long moments. “He appears to be hacking up Voldemort.”

“Why?” Harry asked, utterly bemused. Fortunately, Sortamort wasn’t…juicy. He seemed kind of dry and desiccated.

“I’m making Voldiebits!” Dad grunted with the next down stroke of the sword, lopping off a foot. “It’s helping me work off hours of terror and frustration.” And there went the leg at the knee. “And it’s saving you from being grounded until you’re Dumblefuck’s age.”

Harry sighed as his hair was ruffled by Uncle Tobias. Uncle Jethro just shot him a look that said they’d be having words later. “So how long am I grounded for?”

Dad seemed to have finished portioning Sortamort and stuck the sword in the ground and braced his weight on it, glaring at Harry. “Until you have two Ph.Ds. and three masteries.”

Harry scuffed the dirt with his toe. “The old goat said Voldie had you.”

“SCIF, Harry.”

Harry made a face. As the director of a federal agency, Dad was in SCIF mode sometimes, and Harry hadn’t thought about that. If he couldn’t reach his fathers, he was supposed to call Uncle Jethro.

“Get over here,” Dad said tiredly.

Immediately, Harry ran over held onto his father for all he was worth.

“Tony, my love,” Zale said sounding odd, “where did you get that sword?”

“What?” Dad pulled back and ran his hand over the hilt. Harry stared down at it, thinking it looked familiar. “Oh. This thing. I grabbed it as I was about to portkey out of the British Ministry. I’m not even sure why. I planned to shoot him, but the sword was just there…” he shrugged. “I was on the fencing team in prep school, you know.”

“I don’t want you to panic…” Zale stepped close to them. “That’s Excalibur. No one is supposed to be able to remove it from the stone.”

Harry’s mouth fell open, an exact replica of Dad’s expression.

“What?!” Dad yelped.

Harry suddenly giggled. “You are in way more trouble than me.”

Dad glared but then his expression turned sheepish. “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

The End

– – – –

Most of my short stories are prompt fills. As with my longer works, they are not up for adoption.


  1. I’m laughing so hard I almost fell on the floor.
    Damn that was funny. Thank you. I needed that.

  2. Oh, Tony…. ‘It seemed like a good idea at the time’ is NEVER a valid excuse!

  3. Lol! That was adorable. Hmmmm… My gawds I adore Tony and Zale!

  4. That was awesome

  5. Okay … I woke my poor husband, who had barely 4 hours of sleep after his nightshift, because I was laughing so hard.I can just imagine their faces, when Zale told them ‘That’s Excalibur’ xDDD
    Thank you for sharing.

  6. So cute. Definitely made me laugh

  7. Louis Lachance

    Thanks! That was fun little short!

  8. You know I could easily write a whole involved history of exactly why Tony was the only one who could have drawn the Sword all to do with gentics and a bunch of curses and geas on the sword and succession itself all of which made it impossible for anyone to actually draw it,
    The Sword chooses its wealder (on the sword from the start) geas
    Only Arthur and his descendents can draw it (Merlin) geas
    Only a descendents of Arthur’s born in wedlock can draw it (Merlin added after finding out about Mordred’s birth) geas
    Only a child descended from Arthur and Gwenivere can draw it (Merlin after Arthur’s death as he realised Mordred’s son had been born in wedlock so was eligble so the added specifiacltion of descendent of Arthur and Gwen’s marriage to prevent that.

    Of course the main problem of it all was that the only child of Arthur and Gwen to survive to adulthood and have children was a daughter so she and her descendents also ended up ineligble.

    Then of course you could have gotten Mordred’s male descended line forceably marrying one of Arthur and Gwen’s descendents to meet the criteria to draw the sword but it never worked as the first geas of the sword choosing its bearer always stopped that idea other than that Mordred either had no children or a daughter himself which messed his powwr play up.

    The result was none of the descendents of Arthurs and Gwens daughter could draw the sword or inherit the throne as they were matriarcal descent and Mordred either had no descendents or matriarcal descendents or the sword refused them.

    So that brings us to Tony his mother was a Paddington probably a distant descendent of Arthur and Gwen on his mothers side she married DiNozzo Senior so Tony was born in Wedlock and for a whole of of fun how about the whole direct Male line of Arthur being met through Senior because if we go by the Arturus theory of he and his Knights being Roman Soldiers or perhaps WarMages left behind in Britian it would have meant they had a lot of history that took place before Britian and it would have been very easy for Arthur to have sired a child either legitimate or not in that pre Britain time and that is where Seniors line descended from.

    It means Senior himself could not be eligble as he might be direct male descent from Arthur he wasn’t from Arthur’s marriage to Gwendolyn.

    All of which meant by some weird quirk of fate and Tony’s luck he met all crittera the Geas on the Sword had so it all came down in the end to the Sword itself whether or not it wanted Tony as its Bearer and it obviously decided it wanted him.


    As I said you could have a lot of fun with that making up a wild and wonderful history of the Wizarding World based around the Sword and all its Geas

    How about the Original Wizards Council was created to be Regents as their could be no King until the Sword was drawn and perhaps the Most Noble for a House in the British Wizarding World means descended from Arthur and Gwen while just having Noble in the House Title means descended from Arthurs Knights.

  9. Wonderfully funny and very satisfying

  10. Oh, that was great! I can totally see Tony doing this, rubbing the back of his head as he says it. Thank you!

  11. You are all kinds of golden, what a great start to my day 🙂

  12. I think I just died laughing. “A good idea at the time…” indeed!

  13. I am totally not sure which made me laugh harder Sortamort….Albus Fucksagoat…..or Voldiebits….But morning tea spraying Was definitely involved. I cannot tell you how much I love you and your twisted sense of humor. You have made my day

  14. Love this and Tony’s excuse. Like father, like son. 🙂

  15. TeeHeeHee! Oh, Tony, indeed! *gigglesnorts*

    Short, sweet and totally hysterical. Loved all the new permutations of Whatshisface’s name.

  16. Daneru Melodie

    This is priceless! Thank you for sharing .

  17. Absolutely brilliant. Great mix of tension and humour. Great last words Tony.

  18. Voldiebits! Leave it to Tony to come up with that one. Also, Tony can wield Excalibur, because of course he can. This was all kinds of fun! Thanks!

  19. Oh, that ending was simply brilliant.

  20. Laughing so frigging loud. Lovely & totally hilarious.

  21. Awesome

  22. LOL. “You’re in way more trouble than me” cracked me up.

  23. I almost hurt myself laughing, thank you, I needed that. WW.

  24. Sweet Circe! Bwaaahaaahaaa. I just laughed so fucking HARD! So many Gems!!! Sortamort set me off and it just kept going. May the Universe shine on you! I needed this laugh, and this supplied in SPADES!!! Thank you!!!

  25. Famous first & last words indeed. That whole family’s in trouble & the idea of Zale being the King’s Consort makes me giggle. Fornel & Gibbs will both accusing the other of being the Court Jester. Look out wizarding Britain. I can just imagine the chaos Tony left in his wake after grabbing Excalibur & vanishing. This is great. Thanks so much.

  26. LOL

  27. I cackled like a mad thing through this!

    Thank you for Sortamort! And Tony working off his angst by hacking away at the (not juicy!) Voldiebits.

    Tony with Excalibur for the win!

  28. Lizardlips, my new fav 😀
    thanks for this

  29. Yes Tony, that’s what happens when you react and don’t think. 🙂

  30. Sonia Costoya Rodriguez

    Oh! God!!! I hadn’t laugh so hard since “Adaptable”

  31. The difference that family make.
    I loved the fact that Harry wasn’t the one to kill Voldemort, but I do wonder quite what they will do to the old goat.

  32. Voldiebits. Oh. My. Giddy. Aunt. Just what I needed to help cheer me up enough so I can go do the dishes. Thank You

  33. I love this! (And I’m late reading it, details.) I love the Tony & Excalibur. I have a mental outtake going on of Tony with Excalibur in hand walking up to Dumbledore and asking why he felt the need to lie to Harry, while swinging it, or wiping Voldiebits off it.

  34. OMG WHY didn’t anyone think of shooting them before??? And why have I never asked the question? That was brilliant and hilarious. I loved it. Thank you, Jilly. I’m always excited to read (and obviously reread) your fics.

  35. Yes Jethro as a sniper long range taking them out what joy, such fun. Last phrase from TV show Miranda.

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